St. Nicolas College

What colleges have you attended?

A wonderful establishment, founded in 1755 to house the criminally insane. I was boarded here by my parents at the age of eleven. Run by an obscure order of Benedictine monks, St.Nicolas was a short boat trip away from Lewis in the Outer Hebrides.

It was so cold here that even the penguins wore overcoats, and in the depths of winter our one lump of coal per day to heat the dormitory was jealously guarded.

It was here I learnt the skills that have carried me through life. How to skate on thin ice, fabricate tales and generally lie through my back teeth.

The morning would start at 6am with a 5 mile run in shorts—all year round, followed by an invigorating dip in the freezing loch. In winter, the monks kindly smashed holes in the ice for us to enjoy its benefits.

Lessons began after a hearty breakfast of cold porridge and covered topics ranging from mud wrestling to cord wangling. Older inmates would use the juniors for target practice in blindfold spear throwing classes.

My class started with thirty inmates, and by the end of winter we had eaten more than half of them, usually frozen solid. I was lucky, my talent of ducking and diving, avoiding telling the truth and evading capture during manhunt training stood me in good stead.

So at the age of 16 I matriculated by successfully swimming across the loch using an inflated pigs bladder and gained my freedom. I made my way back to civilisation earning a crust as a male model for garden gnomes and wart-pulling.

St. Nicolas College gave me a great start in life, it made me the psychopath I am today, with an unparalleled skill in telling tall tales and whoppers. Honestly…..